All throughout my surrogate pregnancy, the one question I was asked most often was “Won’t it be hard to give up the baby.” I always answered the question with a simple “No” because quite frankly, the baby was never mine to begin with. Deep down though, I knew there was a difference between knowing this and actually making my body and heart understand it. So I too wondered, “Will it be hard?” Now that I have delivered beautiful Carlene and she has been home with her daddies for a while, I thought I would update with my feelings throughout the process. Even now, the most popular question I am asked is “Was it hard?”
When I delivered Carlene and she was placed on my stomach right away, I felt no attachment. Of course I was happy to have the hard work pay off, to see her healthy and to know that she was finally here, but there was not the instant attachment there was with each of my boys. I had the same feelings toward her then that I had the entire pregnancy. It is sort of like being a distant relative. Where you love them and wish them well, but do not feel the need to constantly have them around and love on them.
For about a week after I had her I was pretty weepy at home. I did not cry because I wanted her, I just cried and didn’t really know why. Sometimes I would cry because the boys were arguing with each other and I would get upset that someone else had a loving baby and all I had were boys fighting with each other. Or, I would cry because I looked huge, but no one I walked by knew it was because I had a baby. Eventually that went away though and I was good as new. I can honestly say that I did not have any feelings of regret or sadness over her or the surrogacy though.
Now that it has been about a month and a half. I love it when her dads share a picture or update, but I do not sit around constantly needing one. I am back to my old self and am looking forward to my second surrogacy sometime in the future. If you are considering surrogacy, I am always here to answer questions and can say that it is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.