Coneheads and Busted Zippers – Things They Don’t Tell You About Childbirth

Okay, so there is a lot that they do tell you about childbirth, but did you ever notice that they leave a lot of the undesirable downright gross and terrifying stuff out in order to stress the joy and beauty of giving birth. Now, don’t get me wrong. I pushed three of my four boys out like footballs in record time with not so much as a Tylenol and was 10cm and pushing all natural with my oldest until I had to have an emergency c-section. I am all for natural beautiful birth, but let’s face it. When you get down to the specifics and details, it starts to resemble a low budget horror film. Like these wonderful things they don’t tell you before you go into labor.

Your Child May Have a Cone Shaped Head


Yep, it’s true. Your child may come out looking like an alien from a really bad 90’s film. Don’t worry, it won’t last and they will likely try to cover it with one of those nifty blue and pink hats from the hospital nursery to spare you the shock and awe. Watch out the first time you remove that sucker though, because that noggin’ might just poke your eye out.

Have You Seen A Zipper Burst Open After Thanksgiving Dinner?

Yeah, well picture that but below the belt. That’s right ladies, your lady bits may come out looking just like that before the process is over. Or, better yet, they may help them along and take a box cutter to you. Alright, it isn’t really a box cutter, but the effect is the same and you will still be left with some pretty awesome stitches.

You May Go Poo in Front of an Audience

Step right up to the freak show and watch a woman poo herself. Yep, it is a definite possibility that you may very well go poop right there on the delivery table and in front of whoever happens to be standing in the room. Might want to rethink that labor and delivery guest list. They say it is natural and that they are used to it, but does that really put your mind at ease?

You May Resemble Ursula the Sea Witch

There is this wonderful period of time once the heavy contractions start and before the pain gets so mind numbing that you lose your ability to speak when you may resemble Ursula the Sea Witch. You may not be the nicest of people and that is completely okay. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to be courteous and kind. You can apologize later. Me for instance, I am A-okay as long as no one breaks my don’t talk to me and don’t touch me rule. I will labor in quiet until you break that rule and then I can’t be responsible for what comes out of my mouth.

There you have it, four things that they don’t advertise about the joys of childbirth. Now, please realize that this post was written in fun and I still very much am an advocate for natural childbirth. It is a satisfying and liberating experience I would not have missed out on, but you may as well know the whole truth ahead of time.

19 Comments

  1. The zipper & poo totally happened with my 2nd daughter……. and I believe ursula will make her appearance this time since I am gonna do my best to go med free. LOL.

  2. LOL Danielle. You can do it!

    I would be mad too Megan. With my oldest I was 10 cm and pushing before they realized he was butt breach. I had to hold off pushing until they could organize an emergency c-section.

  3. I was so afraid of the poo issue – luckily it didn't happen. But I was definitely the witch for a while 🙂

  4. Oops, lol! I hope this doesn't happen with my next one. It didn't with my first, but knowing my luck…… 😉

  5. I was on bed rest for my first, and wasn't able to take any childbirth classes. I had no idea what was going to happen. My daughter was easier. I had a c-section with her.

  6. I am lucky to have never pooed but my inners went out with my last, not cool considering it was a paramedic delivering her on my doorstep LOL

  7. I was so in shock at my sons cone head. I was worried it was going to stay that way. lol

  8. Yeah.. I'm not eating anything but liquids a month prior to my due date.. I kid! Just not into the poop thing.

  9. I ended up having an emergency c-section, so I missed out on these wonderful things. lol. But there's a pic of my my hubby took not long after I was back in my room holding my son, and I look like I'm higher than a kite. I called one of my bff's on my cell phone around the same time, and I have no memory of calling her. I'm not used to taking anything stronger than a Ibuprofen, so whatever they gave me right after delivery (because I'd had an epidural) had me loopy. 🙂

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