Okay, so there is a lot that they do tell you about childbirth, but did you ever notice that they leave a lot of the
undesirable downright gross and terrifying stuff out in order to stress the joy and beauty of giving birth. Now, don’t get me wrong. I pushed three of my four boys out like footballs in record time with not so much as a Tylenol and was 10cm and pushing all natural with my oldest until I had to have an emergency c-section. I am all for natural beautiful birth, but let’s face it. When you get down to the specifics and details, it starts to resemble a low budget horror film. Like these wonderful things they don’t tell you before you go into labor.
Your Child May Have a Cone Shaped Head
Yep, it’s true. Your child may come out looking like an alien from a really bad 90’s film. Don’t worry, it won’t last and they will likely try to cover it with one of those nifty blue and pink hats from the hospital nursery to spare you the shock and awe. Watch out the first time you remove that sucker though, because that noggin’ might just poke your eye out.
Have You Seen A Zipper Burst Open After Thanksgiving Dinner?
Yeah, well picture that but below the belt. That’s right ladies, your lady bits may come out looking just like that before the process is over. Or, better yet, they may help them along and take a box cutter to you. Alright, it isn’t really a box cutter, but the effect is the same and you will still be left with some pretty awesome stitches.
You May Go Poo in Front of an Audience
Step right up to the freak show and watch a woman poo herself. Yep, it is a definite possibility that you may very well go poop right there on the delivery table and in front of whoever happens to be standing in the room. Might want to rethink that labor and delivery guest list. They say it is natural and that they are used to it, but does that really put your mind at ease?
You May Resemble Ursula the Sea Witch
There is this wonderful period of time once the heavy contractions start and before the pain gets so mind numbing that you lose your ability to speak when you may resemble Ursula the Sea Witch. You may not be the nicest of people and that is completely okay. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to be courteous and kind. You can apologize later. Me for instance, I am A-okay as long as no one breaks my don’t talk to me and don’t touch me rule. I will labor in quiet until you break that rule and then I can’t be responsible for what comes out of my mouth.
There you have it, four things that they don’t advertise about the joys of childbirth. Now, please realize that this post was written in fun and I still very much am an advocate for natural childbirth. It is a satisfying and liberating experience I would not have missed out on, but you may as well know the whole truth ahead of time.