Is That Sperm on Your Face? – 5 Weird Beauty Treatments I Won’t Pay For


Women like to look beautiful. I’m a woman, so occasionally I get the urge to beautify myself. Personally, I think women try to look beautiful for women more than men. I honestly think a man could care less whether your nails are painted pink or not, but what do I know? Anyway, the point is, I was thinking today (shocking I know) and there are some things I just won’t face in the name of being beautiful. The five things below easily make the list.

1. Permanent Makeup

I do have a tattoo. One tattoo that I could cover up forever if it had turned out hideous. Permanent makeup on my face though? You have got to be kidding me people! With my luck, I would come out looking like a member of Kiss and be stuck that way forever.

2. Vajazzling

Trust me when I say this, my vagina is exciting enough all on its own. If God wanted me to have rhinestones shoved up my woohoo he damn sure would have put them there. Am I the only one that thinks putting shiny rocks on your vagina might make it a little uncomfortable to walk?

3. Seaweed Wrap

See, this is one of those things that was kind of on the fence for me. I mean, who isn’t dying to be wrapped in the toilet paper of the sea? With that aside though, I would possibly consider this treatment except I just know I would have to go pee as soon as they finished wrapping me up.

4. Spermine Facial

Yeah, you know what it is. I frankly am astounded that women would actually pay to have that stuff slathered on their face. I know where I can get one for free and I still pass it up thank-you very much. Not to mention, what mans’ happy little swimmers are going on your face? Ewww just ewww.

5.A Snake Massage

Hey, they are non-venomous so why not right? Umm…wrong! They still have fangs don’t they? Yes, let me just lay down and let many unpredictable reptiles slither all over my back and hope they don’t bite me. I wouldn’t be able to relax because I would be tensed up the whole time waiting for one to think it’s dinnertime.


  1. My vagina is exciting on it's own too. a spermicide facial? DISGUSTING. And I don't mind snakes, but you wouldn't find me laying there for a snake massage. eff that!!

  2. lol Yes I did. I haven't decided whether I could stand that or not. I would probably be too worried I would squish them to death by accident. Not to mention, you could just scrub the dead skin off and it would take a fraction of the time and money.

  3. LOL! I can get a free sperm facial too , so no thanks! Also, that vajazzle thing has always cracked me up. You must have your vag shiny and pretty because SOOO many people see it on a daily basis, ya know. LOL!

  4. See, I am totally in the minority here. I totally want permanent makeup! I want my eyeliner done! And I have considered Vajazzling – more out of humor than anything. I have HAD a seaweed wrap… kinda pointless to me. I had no IDEA #4 even existed … and I think I threw up a little when I read it. And a snake massage sounds awesome! LOL

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