Today I cried.
I cried because try as I might, you continue to grow day by day in front of my eyes. I cried because you shied away from my hug in public. I cried because you can now hold my entire hand instead of just a finger or two. I cried because your chubby cheeks are fading fast and baby hands are things of the past. No one told me it would hurt this much.
There was talk of sleepless nights and sibling fights, but never mention of this heartache. The heartache that stems from losing you a little more each day. Each morning you are a little more independent and each night you need me a little less.
Where did the time go? I think back and can hardly remember. For almost 11 years now I have had a little one at home and now that time is almost gone. I can’t get it back, it won’t come again. This emptiness, this disturbing hurt is a mother’s pain. The pain of knowing the world of sippy cups and treasured teddy bears is ending. Who am I now? What am I to do?
No one ever told me it would hurt this much. Why don’t they warn you? You look in the mirror and see almost adults. I look at you and all I can see is bright baby eyes and soft little curls. I hear cries for mommy late at night and remember placing soft kisses on hurt knees. Please don’t expect me to see you as all grown up, because to me you never will be. I don’t know how to deal with this “growing up thing” so…..
I cry because the most precious thing to me is ending. In the coming years, I will go from being a super hero capable of almost anything, to someone who doesn’t understand you and who you are embarrassed to be seen with. I am not sure I am ready for that. You are the best things about me and I don’t want to let that go.
For today, I will hug and kiss you while it is still acceptable. I will have water balloon fights with you, snuggle in front of the TV for a late night movie, dance to crazy music all day long and cherish every single second that you are still my little boys. It is so hard to let go.
Someone should have warned me.