Inspired by the If You Really Knew Me series on MTV that I heard about on the MomDot forums and the subsequent #ifyoureallyknewme movement on Twitter, I thought I would create my own post about who I really am and how I have come to be this way. If you have not seen this series or if you have preteen or teenage children who have not seen it, I would highly suggest that you take a peek at it today. If we all operated on the same concept as “challenge day,” there is no doubt in my mind that the world would be a much better place to live.
If you really knew me: You would know that I grew up with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father and that I always felt like a mistake since I was conceived 12 years after my closest sibling. You would know that I got married when I was 17 to someone who was both highly mentally and physically abusive to me, who was a drug addict, and who kept me pregnant as a way of keeping me in the relationship.
If you really knew me: You would know that I tried to kill myself at the age of 16 because I was constantly teased at school. You would know that after being told that I was nothing and a loser my whole life, I now suffer from social anxiety and often come across as stuck up or snotty, when in reality I am just completely frozen in fear and afraid to interact with others in person because I know they won’t like me.
If you really knew me: You would know that I spent Saturday afternoon locked in a bathroom in New Orleans calling back home because I was convinced that everyone disliked me and that I am still replaying the events of the entire weekend and trying to figure out what is wrong with me.
If you really knew me: You would know that my only friends or people I ever see are my mom, sisters and my friend Doug. You would also know that I have lost all my grandparents, my dad and my oldest children’s father and am terrified that I will not be able to handle any more loss. You would know that I put on a strong front, try to do it all by myself, but am constantly afraid that I am not being a good mother, daughter, sister or friend.
The real me is a kind, loving, and unfailingly honest person who can be a really fun person to be around. I give til it hurts and am probably overly emotional. Unfortunately, very few people ever see the real me, as I am usually too crippled in fear to talk to anyone or break the ice in a new situation.
What about you? Is there something you wish everyone would know if they knew the real you? If you aren’t comfortable revealing your identity, feel free to use the anonymous option in the comment section below.