I have written in the past about my aversion to ever getting married again, but never did I really mention why that aversion exists. I struggle each day with being an independent woman. Sure, it sounds great in theory, but it is trying and after years, tiresome. That being said, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It kills me each day to read stories of women who feel trapped on their current paths or in their current relationships because they don’t know what they would do on their own. So, this post is not to bash anyone for being married (If it works for you I am thrilled), but is instead to explain how my decision came to be and maybe help some women see that they can do it too.
There was a time when I was a dutiful wife. I was meek and subservient. My ex-husband would take the only car to work with him and at one point even started removing the phone from the wall and taking that too. Each time I went into labor with my oldest two, I had to walk to a neighbor’s house to use a phone so I could get a ride to the hospital. He handled the money, he paid the bills and I sat at home while being emotionally and at some times physically abused. The sad part is that I was happy to do so. I couldn’t or rather wouldn’t leave. I had been convinced for years that I was worth nothing, would never be anything and had nowhere else to go.
One day, I woke up to find myself penniless and being kicked out of my home. My ex-husband was strung out on drugs and I needed to leave. I went to live with my parents, got enrolled in school and got a waitressing job. He went off to rehab in another city and for 8 months I was good. Then he came back and slowly I got drug back in. Soon he was doing drugs again, stealing all my money, overdrawing my bank account and I stayed. Why? Because I was pregnant again. During those 9 months, I struggled harder than ever before. He was running around with multiple women, doing drugs and he even let one of the women into our home and let her assault me while I was 8 months pregnant and on crutches with a broken ankle.
I filed for divorce and it was finalized. He still hung on though and I eventually let him move into the new house I had rented. My mom found out and in the end, it was her that saved me from my own addiction. My sick co-dependent addiction that had threatened to take over my life and that of my children. She told me it was him or my family. In the end, I chose my family, he moved off to live with his mom and it was then that I became independent. I worked any job I had to, to make ends meet. Even driving a cab for 2 years was not beneath me. Eventually I met Matt and we had my youngest son Jase.
Since then, I have purchased my own home, own two vehicles and while I may not have the best of everything, I was able to get it all on my own and no one can take it away. While Matt does live with me, he is not responsible for any bills. I am now 100% independent and have been for the last 7 years. It is a hard road, but it is one any woman can walk down. You will struggle, you will wait in the cold for hours upon end at the chance to get a toy for your children from a church for Christmas, but it is a better and more fulfilling life than staying with someone who only wants to hurt you. There is nothing special or extraordinary about me and I can promise you there is help out there. If I can become independent and self sufficient, anyone can.